This is the second of a three-part series where I’ll cover my transformation from short and wild off the tee to long and straight. The story takes place in Fall 2019. Read Part One here.
I’ve got a problem. And I don’t know how to solve it.
Reality and technology are not cooperating. One month ago I gave up a sizable chunk of my wallet to purchase a custom driver, a Titleist TS3 with a whiz-bang-boom XF-32 shaft. The technology used to spec this club was Trackman, an all-knowing orange box. The Orange Box, fueled with thousands of lines of coded wisdom, painted draw after draw after draw on the simulated driving range. “How great is this? Not only am I not popping it up dead left, but I’m getting a little draw!” I thought.
Worth every penny!
Then came reality. And reality has been less kind than the Orange Box. Reality has been a slice. Not a cut fade that drops softly onto the fairway, but a viscous slice that cuts through the air like a sickle landing in white-staked garbage.
I paid for a slice? A curving white turd that leaves me dropping from 220 back?
Yesterday, the rain kept me from reality, so I paid $40 to visit the altar of the Orange Box at its temple, the simulated driving range. Its coded wisdom once again bathed me draws, even hooks! It sent no balls whizzing right. There were but a handful of cut fades that dropped softly on the digital fairway.
This $25,000 Orange Box, full of genius code, is painting a beautiful picture of draws and a few cut fades. Meanwhile, reality - the thing that matters - is sending my ball into the swamp, dropping penalties from 220 back.
“What in the mother f*cking hell is going on here?” What is real? What is fake? Do I slice it? Do I draw it? Am I in the goddamn matrix?
My club’s specs, which I’m having re-evaluated on Friday, are beholden to the Orange Box. But the Orange Box - and its thousands of lines of genius code - appears to know jack shit.
Any advice? So far, I’ve just been drinking more wine. It’s working out okay. But it’s not fixed my slice.
Buttered It
Great golf from around the Internet
We’re taking a break from good golf and switching to bad golf. Here’s the worst from Winged Foot.
Danny Lee Six-Putts from Four Feet
Lee would have made the cut absent this meltdown. Instead, he carded a 9 on 18 and withdrew citing a ‘wrist injury’.
Worm Burner Out of the Winged Foot Rough
“Oh my gosh…”
Can’t fault the player here. Winged Foot had some nasty rough and that was probably the best he could do with it. I just like the clip because I now know how NBC would call one of my rounds - sympathy punctuated by shocked gasps.
Another Random Guy Plays Winged Foot from the Tips
There’s nothing like watching a mid-handicapper play a 505-yard par 4 while his buddy talks 💩 about him.
Hit the Links
It’s time to move on from Winged Foot. And what better way to move on than a primetime charity match in Missouri! Tiger Woods unveiled his first public golf course design - Payne’s Valley - alongside Rory McIlroy, Justin Thomas, and Justin Rose. Nestled in the Ozarks, the course is a great example of exploding majestic landscape so amateur golfers can shoot 110, slam beers, and hit on the snack cart girl. As Tiger Woods put it, “It's mind-boggling how far we've come and how special this place is...”
The big news out of this round is Rory Mcllroy loves Domino's pizza. Yes, Rory, it is so good. I guess we’ve got that in common, along with consistently hitting 330 yard 💣s. Christ, he is one handsome lad.
Justin Thomas called his playing partner, Tiger Woods, ‘Dumb Dumb’ after observing Tiger’s ball was monogrammed. Had this been 2006, Tiger would have gone into RAGE mode and whooped Justin’s ass until he was begging for mommy a la Stephen Ames when he beat him 9 & 8 after Ames had questioned Tiger’s driving skills. In the post-round interview, he told Judy Rankin, “I think [Stephen] understands now.” But that era is sadly over. And Justin was spared humiliation.
The final takeaway from this charity event is my wife and I may have found our next vacation spot. The Big Cedar Lodge has everything you could ever want: cozy cabins, a spa, golf, go karts, and a shooting range. Who would have thought I’d one day hear from my British wife, “I want to go to Missouri.”
That’s all for now. See you on the Front Nine on Sunday.