This is the first of a three-part series where I’ll cover my transformation from short and wild off the tee to long and straight. The story takes place in Fall 2019.
September 2019
I played 9 holes at the local muni - Fresh Pond Golf Course. It was just $28 to feel like a wimpy loser for two-and-a-half hours. By the third hole I had decided this round would be a 'nature walk.' I came to enjoy the rabbits, one dead raccoon, and the fine weather. I happened to hit a white ball 54 times along the way.
This was my fifth round of 2019 and probably 15th of the 2010s. On the tee box I was feeling sprite having just come off a splendid round of ball striking at the far more challenging Crumpin Fox. Not to mention I had spent an hour in the morning whacking Callaway Epic Flash drives down the middle of a simulated golf course.
But golf doesn't care about that last round or the driving range or the simulated golf course. Golf cares about the now. That teed up, round, white Maxfli motherf-er is asking, 'What are you gonna do to me this time, boy? Slap me into those trees? Skull me so I dribble just past the red tees? Not possibly rocket me down the middle. Oh no. You won't do that, will you, boy?'
You're damn right I won't!
I hammered every drive left - way left. Had I worn some Kühl trousers, packed hiking poles, a day's supply of water, and a rifle just in case, I'd have felt comfortable searching for my long lost balls. But these crimes against the tee box were not worth the time. The mystery of my nasty pull hook went unsolved - sort of (more on that soon). Here's the tail of some very ugly tape.
Hole 1: moonshot left
Hole 4: gonzo left
Hole 5: gonzo left
Hole 7: gonzo left
Hole 9: moonshot left
Back to that sort of. Curious about the magic of golf club fitting, I paid a visit to Golf Galaxy in Burlington. I told the nice staffer I'd like to see the Cobra, Ping, and Callaway drivers. I whacked around about 5 clubs in all. The computer told me, plainly and precisely 'You really suck. You suck exactly 22 yards left, 35 yards right....' This went on for about 25 balls.
'I like the Callaway and the Ping,' I told the staffer confidently despite the plain, precise suck. I rocked one Callaway 292 and the Ping had a matte finish that just spoke to me.
After the staffer replaced a shaft and turned some doodads, I teed it back up. And suddenly the suck was gone. In fact, the computer had to adjust its units to describe my suck exchanging yards for feet. 'You suck 21 feet left and 8 feet right.' Wait! I don't suck at all!
It's the club. It's absolutely the club. I've been playing with a hand-me-down driver bequeathed by my father. I do not swing like a 60 year-old man. I swing like a goddamn adonis!
While I did shoot an abysmal 54 on an easy track, it's really not my fault. It's the club's. And I really believe that.
Later that month I would be fitted for a new driver over an hour-and-a-half appointment for $150. It turned out to be the deal of a lifetime. Or so I had thought. Part Two to follow on Sunday’s Front Nine.
Buttered It
Great golf from around the Internet. This round, it’s all about the 💣s.
Phil Mickelson and Kyle Berkshire talk 💣s
Kyle Berkshire is a World Long Drive champion. Unlike most long drive champions, Kyle is not built like a jacked up super villain. In fact, he weighs less than two-hundred pounds. He uses flexibility to generate the enormous power that sends his championship drives 400 yards deep. There are no hot tips here for the weekend hacker. If your swing speed is a breezy 85 mph, there’s no need to practice the ‘jump’ technique to relieve pressure on your joints. Just enjoy two great pros talking shop.
Kyle Berkshire hits a 300-yard 💣 with a putter
If the link does not take you there, skip to 19:20.
After playing a round with Zac Bradford, Kyle hits some whacky shots to demonstrate his superpowers. This ‘hellacious seed’ - as Phil Mickelson would put it - tops the list. But you can also watch a flop shot with over six-seconds of hang time. If you’ve got time, watch the full video. Kyle’s got a full game that he shows off. He can more than hit 💣s. But if you want more 💣s - and you should - head to Kyle’s Instagram page.
Brandon Hagy has 5-feet for eagle after a 400-yard 💣
I love how Hagy casually picks up the tee after launching this 💣. Just another day on the tee box for him - driving a 400-yard par 4! How can someone be so bored by 💣s. I’d pack an REI foldout camping chair, take a seat, and absolutely chill, transfixed by such a beautiful 💣 until it came to a full stop.
Hit the Links
The US Open starts today! That means I’ll be spending about sixteen hours this weekend on the couch watching pros do battle with Winged Foot. In last newsletter’s Hit the Links, I shared the tragic tale of Phil Mickelson and Colin Montgomerie collapsing on the 72-hole with a pair of double-bogeys allowing Jeff Ogilvy to win with a final score of +5. By all accounts, the USGA isn’t letting up in 2020.
Watch a putt do a full banana into the hole in a practice round
To keep my sanity, I’d have to call everything from five feet a gimme on these greens. Otherwise, I’d be mentally broken by the back nine. They’d be shipping me off to the looney bin instead of the clubhouse.
Watch an amateur play three holes from the tips
Golf Digest’s Sam Weinman enjoyed getting the 💩 beat out of him at Winged Foot. Sam doesn’t seem particularly good or bad at golf - probably a 14-handicap. So, if you want to know how you’d fair after three holes, you’d be +6 and on pace for +144 for the tournament.
Winged Foot Golf Club Homepage
I’ve learned that there is a direct correlation between the brevity of a golf club’s homepage dropdown menu and the likelihood I’ll ever play there. Winged Foot has just seven links. Yikes! I did try to hack into the private page with username ‘tiger.woods@gmail.com’ and password ‘password’. It didn’t work.
Winged Foot members battle over hanging a Trump portrait
It turns out Trump is a Winged Foot member and the bossman doesn’t like it so much. What could be worse than watching guys who can afford a $200,000 initiation fee quibble over a picture.
Winged Foot ranks #20 on the Forbes exclusive golf club list. Based on the other rankings they could easily climb a few spots by excluding Blacks, Jews, and women. Instead, they’ve focused on showers. I think I need one after reading this article 🤮.
Winged Foot has two golf courses, and each is ranked among the best 100 golf courses in America. The more famous of the two, the West Course, is considered as one of the ten best golf courses. The club features the highest percentages of single-digit handicappers. Among the highlights is the stunning historic stone clubhouse with a slate roof and built in 1929. The club also offers up one of the best locker rooms with the best showers of most golf clubs. Famous members include President Donald Trump since 1969. Initiation fees start at $200,000.
Tiger Woods US Open Highlights
I spend about 3% of my life watching Tiger Woods golf highlights. Here are some of his best from the US Open. He’s got 41/1 odds at Winged Foot. I’ll be on the couch hoping he’s launching 💣s and dropping 🐥ies.
That’s all for now. See you on the Front Nine on Sunday.